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The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition
Why Colonel Kira Hates Ferengis; Especially Quark
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Kira Nerys
1. Once you have their money ... you never give it back.
2. You can't cheat an honest customer ... but it never hurts to try.
3. Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
4. A woman wearing clothes is like a man in the kitchen.
5. If you can't break a contract, bend it.
6. Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
7. Keep your ears open.
8. Small print leads to large risk.
9. Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
10. Greed is eternal.
11. Even if it's free, you can always buy it cheaper.
12. Anything worth selling is worth selling twice.
13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
14. Keep your family close; keep your latinum closer.
15. Acting stupid is often smart.
16. A deal is a deal ... until a better one comes along.
17. A contract is a contract is a contract ... but only between Ferengi.
18. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
19. Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
20. Only give money to people you know you can steal from.
21. Never place friendship above profit.
22. A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
23. Dignity can never replace money.
24. Latinum can't buy happiness, but you sure can enjoy renting it.
25. There's always a way out.
26. As the customers go, so goes the wise profiteer.
27. There's nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.
28. Only a fool passes up a business opportunity.
29.
30.
31. Never make fun of a ferengi's mother ... insult something he cares about instead.
32.
33. It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
34. Peace is good for business.
35. War is good for business.
36.
37.
38.
39. Friendship is temporary profit is forever.
40. She can touch your lobes, but never your latinum.
41. Profit is its own reward.
42. What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too.
43. Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon.
44. Never confuse wisdom with luck.
45. Ambition knows no family.
46. Make your shop easy to find.
47. Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
49. Everything is worth something to somebody.
50. Gratitude can bring on generosity.
51.
52. Never ask when you can take.
53.
54.
55.
56.
57. Good customers are as rare as latinum - treasure them.
58. There is no substitute for success.
59. Free advise is seldom cheap.
60. Keep your lies consistent.
61. Never buy what you can steal.
62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
63.
64.
65. Win or lose, there's always Huyperian beetle snuff.
66.
67.
68. Ear stroking will get you anything.
69. Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other races.
70. Get the money first ... then let the buyer worry about collecting the merchandise.
71.
72. Never trust your customers.
73. If it gets you profit, sell your own mother.
74.
75. Home is were the heart is ... but the stars are made of latinum.
76. Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.
77. It's better to swallow your pride than lose your profit.
78. When the going gets tough, the tough change the rules.
79. Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.
80.
81.
82. The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
83.
84. A friend is not a friend if he asks for discount.
85. Never let the competition know what your thinking.
86.
87. A friend in need means three times the profit.
88.
89. Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what you can do for your profits.
90.
91.
92.
93.
94. Females and finances don't mix.
95. Expand or die.
96. For every rule, there is an equal and opposite rule; except when there's not.
97. Enough ... is never enough.
98. Act without delay! The sharp knife cuts quickly.
99. Trust is the biggest liability of all.
100. If they take your first offer,you either asked too little or offered too much.
101. The only value of a collectable is what you can get somebody to pay for it.
102. Nature decays, but latinum lasts forever.
103. Sleep can interfere with opportunity.
104. Faith moves mountains ... of inventory.
105. Don't trust anyone who trusts you.
106. There is no honor in poverty.
107. A warranty is valid only if they can find you.
108.
109. Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.
110.
111. Treat people in your debt like family ... exploit them.
112. Never have sex with the boss's sister.
113. Always have sex with the boss.
114.
115. The best contract always has a lot of fine print.
116. There's always a catch.
117. You can't free a fish from water.
118.
119. Never judge a customer by the size of his wallet. Sometimes, good things come in small packages.
120.
121. Everything is for sale, even friendship.
122.
123. Even a blind man can recognize the glow of latinum.
124.
125. Count it.
126.
127. Stay neutral in conflict so that you can sell supplies to both sides.
128.
129.
130.
131.
132.
133.
134.
135. Never trust a beneficiary.
136.
137.
138.
139. Wives serve, brothers inherit.
140.
141. Only fools pay retail.
142. There's no such thing as an unfair advantage.
143. Risk is part of the game . . play it for all it is worth.
144. There's nothing wrong with charity ... as long as it winds up in your pocket.
145.
146. Necessity, the mother of invention. Profit is the father.
147.
148.
149.
150.
151.
152. A lie is a way to tell the truth to someone who doesn't know.
153. Sell the sizzle, not the steak.
154.
155.
156.
157.
158.
159.
160.
161.
162. Even in the worst times someone turns a profit.
163.
164.
165. You can't make a deal if you're dead.
166.
167.
168. Whisper your way to success.
169. Competition and fair play are mutually exclusive.
170.
171. Blood is thicker than water, and latinum is thicker than both.
172. Chances aren't what they used to be.
173.
174.
175.
176.
177. Know your enemies ... but do business with them always.
178.
179.
180.
181. Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.
182.
183.
184.
185.
186.
187.
188. A fool and his money is the best customer.
189. Let others keep their reputation. You keep their money.
190. Hear all, trust nothing.
191. A Ferengi waits to bid until his opponents have exhausted themselves.
192. Never cheat a Klingon ... unless you're sure you can get away with it.
193.
194. It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door.
195.
196.
197.
198.
199.
200. If your going to have to endure, make yourself comfortable.
201.
202. The justification for profit is profit.
203. New customers are like razor-toothed greeworms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back!
204. It takes a Ferengi to cheat a Ferengi.
205.
206.
207.
208. Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer.
209.
210.
211. Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success. Don't hesitate to step on them.
212. Never give away free what you can sell.
213.
214. Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.
215. Sometimes what you get free costs entirely too much.
216. Never gamble with an empath.
217. You can't free a fish from water.
218.
219. Possession is eleven tenths of the law.
220.
221.
222.
223. Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox.
224.
225.
226.
227.
228. Sometimes what you get free costs entirely too much.
229. Latinum lasts longer than lust.
230.
231. There's a sucker born every minute. Be sure you're the first to find him.
232.
233.
234.
235.
236. You can't buy fate.
237.
238.
239. Never be afraid to mislabel a product.
240.
241. Never trust a hardworking employee.
242. More is good ... all is better.
243.
244.
245.
246.
247.
248.
249.
250.
251.
252.
253.
254.
255. A wife is a luxury ... a smart accountant a necessity.
256. Accountants do not play the game; they only keep the score.
257.
258.
259.
260. Life's not fair. How else would you turn a profit.
261. A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.
262. A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on.
263. Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for latinum.
264.
265. The customer is always right ... until you get his cash.
266. When in doubt, lie.
267. If you believe it, they believe it.
268.
269.
270. In business deals, a disrupter can be almost as important as a calculator.
271.
272.
273.
274.
275.
276.
277. Anything worth fighting for is worth hiding from.
278.
279.
280.
281.
282.
283.
284. Deep down everyone's a Ferengi.
285. No good deed ever goes unpunished.
286. When Morn leaves ... it's all over. (Quark made up this one; it's not an official Rule of Acquisition.)
Please email me if you are aware of a rule not included above. Include the source of the rule.
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